Why You Shouldn’t Expect Your Child to Be Happy All the Time
It’s not your job to make your child happy.
Children have to learn how to deal with a wide range of emotions.
One of my favourite quotes that I often remind parents of who come to me to support them on their parenting journey: A powerful quote by Adam Phillips teaches us about emotional health in parenting.
As parents, we work so hard to give our children everything they need—love, safety, routine, opportunities to grow. So when our child isn’t happy, even in the best of circumstances, it can feel confusing. Maybe even alarming.
That’s why this quote by child psychotherapist Adam Phillips hits so deeply:
“It is unrealistic to assume that if all goes well in a child's life, he or she will be happy. This may be one of the most damaging assumptions of popular psychology—that happiness is the natural state for human beings, and that if children are not happy, something is wrong. Children, like adults, are complicated. They can be well cared for and still be anxious, sad, or angry.”
Let’s pause here, because this matters:
Your child can be safe, loved, cared for—and still have a hard day.
That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.
It just means your child is human.
The Happiness Trap
We live in a culture that idolizes happiness. Especially in parenting circles, there’s a subtle pressure to keep our kids smiling, occupied, entertained, emotionally “regulated” at all times. But when we over-prioritize happiness, we may accidentally send the message that other emotions are bad, or worse—inconvenient.
Children quickly pick up on this. They might begin to suppress emotions like sadness, frustration, or boredom—not because they’ve learned to manage them, but because they fear they’ll disappoint us by expressing them.
This is how emotional avoidance begins.
And it often follows kids into adulthood.
The Real Goal: Emotional Resilience, Not Constant Cheerfulness
As a parenting consultant with two decades of experience, I can tell you this with confidence:
The healthiest families are not the ones where everyone is happy all the time.
They’re the ones where emotions—all of them—are welcomed, named, and supported.
When we allow our children to feel sadness without trying to “fix” it immediately…
When we sit beside them through anger, without shutting it down or escalating…
When we offer empathy instead of solutions…
That’s when emotional resilience is built.
What You Can Do Differently
If this resonates with you, here are three simple shifts you can start making today:
Normalize a full range of emotions.
Use language like, “It’s okay to feel sad sometimes,” or “All feelings are allowed here.”Be a calm presence, not a fixer.
Instead of rushing to cheer them up, offer connection: “I’m here with you. Want to talk or just sit together?”Model it yourself.
Let your child see you feeling disappointed or tired without guilt. Say something like, “I’m having a rough day today, and that’s okay. It’ll pass.”
Final Thought
Happiness isn’t the goal.
Connection is.
Understanding is.
A safe space to feel all the messy, beautiful things that make us human—that’s the true gift we can give our children.
You don’t have to raise a happy child.
You just need to raise a child who feels safe to be themselves, no matter how they feel.
Want more support?
Join my email list for weekly parenting insights, or check out my resources on emotional development in early childhood.
Let’s raise emotionally healthy kids—together and if you feel like you need to talk this through feel free to connect with me by clicking below
