How to help a toddler adjust to a new baby

So many parents have confessed to me that they CAN NOT imagine how they will cope adding another baby to the family. Having just one baby can be very overwhelming, so the thought of adding to the madness is enough to send you into a tizzy. Some parents, even worry about how they will be able to love two children the same, worrying that there is not enough love to go around.

How to help your child adjust to a new sibling

There are often a few bumps in the road to begin with, as you adjust to running a house with 2, 3 or maybe even 4 children. Not only is this hard on you as an individual, it can also put a strain on your adult relationships. Many parents also worry about how their toddler or older child will adapt to adjusting from being an only child to one of two, or maybe you are growing from a family of four to five.

If you have a new sibling on the way, keep reading to find out some tips on what you can do to make this adjustment easier on you all and find out what common reactions and behaviours are seen in siblings during this transition.

What can I do to prepare my child for their siblings arrival

Common questions centre around '“what can I do to prepare my child for their siblings arrival” and for those whose baby is already here its not uncommon to hear “its been a 3 months and my toddler is still struggling with having to share me”.

How old your other children are, when the baby arrives, is also impactful as to how the transition will go. If your children are close together, then that dynamic will be different compared to a larger age gap. I personally have just under 4 years between my first and second, and just over 4 years again between my second and third, which puts my eldest and youngest just shy of 8 years apart.

When parent’s are expecting, they will often talk about what is happening with a Mums’ body and who is growing in there. This may result in getting their toddler to kiss their belly in the hopes that this will help their toddler adjust, and show love and kindness from the beginning.

Reading books is another common trend, where the pictures reflect a parent coming home with a new baby in tow and talking through the feelings that the other siblings may experience.

Having their little one help set up the nursery or help organize new items in preparation for the new arrival, sometimes the can even be gifting the crib to the new baby and putting the toddler into a new bed.

Either way, your toddler will sense that something is brewing, but talking about the baby is quite an abstract concept for many small children. Talking about the baby and then the baby actually being present is two VERY different things.

It is normal if your toddler doens’t always show interest in thier new sibling to begin with 

Your toddler has very likely had alot of one on one attention at this point if they are an only child, and isn’t used to having to share you and your time, with another little person.

I have found that initially, siblings are very enthusiastic about the new addition, can be kind and caring with gentle touch, and then as the days go on, the novelty can wear off when they realize this new little being is here to stay and they may either start to show less interest and in some cases, become a little more aggressive.

It can be hard in the early days, to even find the time to sit down and feed your little being. The second time around is often not as relaxing as you feed the baby and wrangle toddler climbing all over the two of you, or gently tapping (or maybe more aggressively) hitting the baby on the head while you are feeding.

For toddlers, new babies are not overly engaging. This changes as the baby grows and children will learn to play together, but a young baby doens’t really do that much that would interest an engaging todddler.

A slightly older baby does however, make a great audience for a toddler who likes to be on stage. They have a captive audience and never get tired of seeing their sibling jump about and perform for them, and likewise the toddler never get’s bored of performing.

As your baby gets bigger again, they will start to grab at toys that a toddler maybe playing with and at this stage, it can become more difficult as you spend most of the day as a referee. The behaviour towards the new sibling or the parent, can change, and the behaviour can take a more sightly aggressive turn and your toddler may physically lash out and push their sibling away.

 Not only is this transition hard on parents, it’s also hard on siblings.

Adding to your new family reminds me of the four phases that humans go through when they experience cultures shock.

As guideline it looks like this:

The honeymoon period: New baby arrives, everyone is in an elated state and excited about what the future holds.

Frustration: The reality of the situation takes hold, the baby is here to stay and everyone is trying to find their new groove and routine. A toddler may become frustrated as they are not getting as much attention whilst the baby is certainly getting their fair share. Life may see a little overwhelming to a toddler at this point, this little being is loud but I am the one being told to be quiet.

Adjustment: Things are settling down, and a new routine is developed.

Acceptance: As the days go on, this becomes your new normal, the dust has settled, before you know it, you may be even contemplating adding to your family again!

How can you help?

If you can help it, try to not use the baby as a reason for why your toddler can not do certain tasks or stop them from doing their normal activities or routines, this can appear to be the babies fault.

Give your toddler age appropriate jobs that they can do to help you - make them a special helper, this makes them feel important and gets them on side with you. It could be something as simple as lets go and change the babies diaper, can you hand me this, can you hand me that, thank you so much, you are great big brother!

Get your toddler involved in the solution, if they want to go to the park and you can’t swing it in the moment, validate what they want to do, but explain you can go later, after ABC. Inform them of what they can do to help make that happen. It might be to look at a book quietly whilst you feed the baby and then after that, you can all head out together.

Explain that you can have one on one time, once the baby is asleep so if you can all be quiet (not just your toddler - but all of you ) for 20 minutes, it will allow for you to put the baby down and do something low key together while the baby sleeps.

Don’t make a rod for your own back. Keep your activities low key and your expectations realistic. Your toddler will be happy with any one on one time that you can provide during this transition, so choose things that are not overly exerting or taxing for you.

As an example - thinking about the clean up from baking cookies over reading a book or colouring a book, Don’t make more work for yourself in the early days, and don’t feel guilty. I know this is easier said than done, but your toddler will not remember this in the bigger picture. It’s you that sets the expectations, young children don’t have any, they just want you present.

Bringing home a new addition, is hard on everyone, it takes time to find your new groove and patience is a must, the more relaxed that you can be the better. Everyone’s feelings and behaviours will be up and down, but if you can hang on in there and make decisions that will mark your life easier in the short haul, the dust will settle.

As a parent of three children, I remember all of these feelings, and adjustments, and how hard it was. If you are struggling with balancing your life with two or three children, please feel free to reach out.

Helping support healthy sibling relationships

I have been supporting parents with various parenting challenges since 2006: sleeping routines, daytime routines, big feelings and adjustments. You don’t have to do it alone - feel free to contact me using the contact box below with any concerns that you may have.