How to React When My Toddler Hits Me. A Developmentally Informed Guide for Parents
Let’s just go ahead and say it: getting smacked in the face by a pudgy little toddler hand can be incredibly triggering. Whether you were lovingly reading “Brown Bear, Brown Bear” or dared to cut the toast in squares instead of triangles, being hit by your own child leaves you stunned, embarrassed, and probably wondering: What am I raising? A future UFC fighter?
Hitting in childhood is extremely common.
Be prepared to be on the receiving end it does not mean it is okay, but if you are part of the safe circle you are first in the line of fire.
Take a breath. Toddler hitting is extremely common. It's not a sign you're failing. It's not a sign your toddler is broken. It is a sign that their brain is under construction.
This blog post will walk you through the why behind toddler hitting, and most importantly, how to respond in a way that supports emotional development, reduces future aggression, and keeps you from losing your mind.
Why Toddlers Hit: The Developmental Truth
The Toddler Brain is Still Under Construction
Your toddler is operating with a very underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, reasoning, and emotional regulation. This part of the brain won’t be fully developed until their mid-twenties (yes, TWENTIES, pour yourself that coffee now).
According to Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson in The Whole-Brain Child, toddlers are driven by their "downstairs brain" – the reactive, emotional part. Hitting is not calculated; it’s reactive. It's a primitive form of communication when words are hard to access.
Limited Language = Big Feelings, No Words
Most toddlers (especially under 3) are still developing expressive language skills. When they’re overwhelmed, overstimulated, or frustrated, they don’t yet have the words for “I’m mad at you for putting my truck on the shelf” so they lash out physically ( not just hitting, but spitting, hair pulling and pinching).
Impulse Control? What’s That?
A 2- or 3-year-old does not yet have the brakes to stop their arm once they’ve decided to hit. It’s like trying to stop a sneeze. Impulses come fast and strong, and even a toddler who knows hitting isn’t allowed may still do it, especially when tired or dysregulated. There is NOT a quick fix for this reaction, even if you want one.
What NOT to Do When Your Toddler Hits You
🚫 Don’t hit back. Not even a tap on the hand. This teaches that hitting is a way to solve problems, exactly what we’re trying to undo.
🚫 Don’t shame or say things like “You’re bad.” This damages your toddler’s developing self-concept and doesn’t help them build better behavior.
🚫 Don’t ignore it (habitually). While you shouldn’t overreact, consistent, calm responses matter.
What TO Do Instead: Calm, Clear, Consistent
1. Regulate Yourself First
“I’m the adult. I set the tone.”
Your nervous system sets the tone for the room. If you react with yelling or big energy, it escalates the situation. Take a breath. Kneel down. Speak slowly.
Try:
“I won’t let you hit. That hurt.”
“I’m going to move back so I can stay safe.”
2. State the Limit Calmly
Repetition and clarity are key.
Keep your words few and clear. Toddlers process language slowly, especially when upset.
Try:
“Hands are not for hitting. Hitting hurts.”
“You can be mad. You can’t hit.”
Show Them What To Do
Redirect them to a safe outlet for their emotion.
Try:
“You can hit the pillow if you’re mad.”
“Let’s stomp our feet together!”
Modeling safe expression is teaching, not punishing.
Offer Connection, Not Rejection
Behavior is communication. Your child needs co-regulation, not isolation.
After the moment passes, stay close. Offer comfort when they're ready. Use warm tone and eye contact.
Try:
“That was a hard moment. I love you even when you're mad.”
Teach in the Calm
Later (not during the moment), name the emotion and review what happened.
Try:
“You were frustrated when I said no, and you hit. Next time, you can say, ‘I’m mad!’ or stomp instead.”
Practice pretend play with dolls or action figures to rehearse better responses.
When Should I Be Concerned?
Most hitting resolves with consistent boundaries and emotional coaching by age 4–5 so if you are dealign with a 3 year old who is hitting, please remember that you can not just do these things ONCE! it takes many times.
However, seek guidance if:
Hitting is very frequent and intense
Your child seems disconnected or unreachable after aggression
You’re worried about developmental delays or sensory sensitivities
Final Thought: You’re Not Raising a “Bad Kid”
You’re raising a young child learning to manage big feelings in a world that often moves faster than they can process. Your calm, consistent leadership is shaping a future adult who knows how to handle frustration with confidence and compassion.
If you need help building that response muscle (especially when it’s been a week), I’m here for you. My 1:1 consulting offers tailored tools and strategies for tackling toddler aggression, tantrums, and everything in between.
