There’s no one-size-fits-all answer—unless you count “long enough to make you question your life choices.” Whether you’ve got a milk-happy 3-month-old or a chatty 5-year-old philosopher who asks existential questions at bedtime (“Mum, where do dreams come from?”), bedtime routines are part magic, part meltdown.

Let’s break it down by age, because of course the routine changes every time you feel like you've finally cracked it.

As a parenting coach who’s survived hundreds of toddler bedtime sagas (including my own), I’ve compiled this survival guide for those of you whispering, “Why is bedtime like this?” at 8:47 p.m.

Whether you're battling over pajamas, chasing a naked toddler through the hallway, or fielding existential questions like, “Where does the moon sleep?” — this one's for you.