Why Avoiding Tantrums Actually Creates More Tantrums (And Other Ironies)
If you’re currently tiptoeing around your toddler like you live with a tiny emotional bomb, this one’s for you.
Parents often tell me they “just want to avoid the tantrums.” I get it. No one enjoys being screamed at because the blue cup touched the red spoon. But here’s the truth: when you constantly try to avoid tantrums, you usually end up creating more of them.
Sometimes you will feel like giving in
Holding your ground although stressful in the moment, will help you both in the bigger picture.
Toddlers are incredible little humans. They crave control, independence, and power, but they don’t yet know what’s actually good for them. (I mean, we’re talking about people who think it’s reasonable to wear rain boots to bed and demand cheese for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.)
I’ve even had toddlers who insist on deciding who drives the car. Yes, apparently they think a 3-year-old should take the wheel because “Mommy drives too slow.” (True story.)
The Toddler Power Struggle:
Here’s what’s really going on beneath those meltdowns:
Toddlers crave predictability. When routines or limits are unclear, they panic and that panic looks a lot like a tantrum.
They test boundaries because that’s how they learn what’s safe and what’s not.
They need structure. Without it, they feel overwhelmed by too many choices and too much power.
So when parents try to keep the peace by avoiding tantrums, by offering endless choices, bargaining, or giving in… guess what….it actually sends a confusing message: “You’re in charge kiddo.”
And when toddlers think they’re in charge? Buckle up. You’re about to board the tantrum train, and it has no brakes.
When One Parent Gives In (And the Other Doesn’t)
Here’s another fun twist: sometimes one parent is more consistent than the other. One says, “No, bedtime is bedtime.” The other says, “Okay, fine, one more show.” And guess who the toddler now sees as the weak link!!!
This inconsistency teaches children to test limits because, hey……it worked!
It’s not about being the “strict” parent or the “fun” parent. It’s about being a team. I can NOT stress this enough.
Why Parenting Together Matters
You and your partner are the foundation from which your child grows. When you’re aligned, same message, same follow-through, your child feels safe, secure, and calm (even if they don’t like it in the moment). When you’re not, your toddler senses that wobble and steps right into it.
Think of it like this: you’re the walls of the playpen. When you both stand firm, your child can move freely and confidently within those boundaries. But when one wall collapses? Chaos. And crayons on your freshly painted wall.
So, What Should Parents Do Instead?
Expect tantrums. They’re a normal part of brain and emotional development.
Set clear limits. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and follow through.
Stay calm and united. Even if your toddler is melting down in aisle 5 of Walmart, don’t negotiate, don’t bribe, just calmly hold your ground.
Because the less you try to avoid tantrums, the fewer you’ll actually have. (Parenting irony at its finest.)
Key Takeaway:
When you avoid tantrums, you teach your child that big emotions get them what they want. When you calmly and consistently hold limits, you teach them that you are in charge and that’s what helps them feel safe enough to grow, explore, and thrive.
Remember: you’re the foundation. When parents work together, kids don’t need to control the car (literally or metaphorically).
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